Nico-chan (nico_chan) wrote in freetherapy,
Nico-chan
nico_chan
freetherapy

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long, but needing some psych help

I started dating a guy my sophomore year of high school, and we were together for 7 years, engaged for the last year. He loved me to death, and the first 6 years were amazing, but the last year was bad because he said he felt pressured once we were engaged and couldn't handle it (which is odd because he said he wanted to marry me after our 2nd date, and we'd talked about kids and a house and children). We went on a break after a few unsuccessful breakups, and one movie and dinner date last August so we dated again. He didn't get to talk to me for 3 months because he was so busy, and then told me "Don't take this the wrong way, but I've met this girl and asked her out, she said yes, but she'd prefer that we be exclusive, so you and I aren't dating anymore." I tried to talk to him and asked him why he broke things off from me. He said that my engagement ring is in a locked box in a bank safe and that if he ever made the "stupid decision to ever date me again," he wouldn't be tempted to get it anytime soon. I kept trying to talk to him, and he threatened a restraining order on me when all I wanted to do was talk to him. He lied to me and said that on that last date he felt nothing for me... I hope he's grown up a little by dating that 18 year old, he's 24. I told him I'd hope that he'd pick someone more mature, but oh well. A few weeks ago we talked ofer IM and he apologized for my depression and many other things, as my father died this past May and he wasn't there for any of it. He didn't say that he broke up with her, just that they broke up, so I hope he's the one that got dumped. Apparently the being an asshole was because he needed space. I was like, why the crap didn't you just tell me? I told him he knows nothing about women, and that we're all nuts in some way, almost always several, and there's always an inferiority complex and that it may not turn up right away, but they're there. So I hope he's learned a few things. I wish I knew someone that was still friends with him so I can find out if he's learned anything or not. He wants to try again but he doesn't want to hurt me, he's scared. He couldn't hurt me any more than he already has, but I haven't told him that yet, though I want to. There's no way he has to worry about hurting me more because things he's done to get "space" have hurt me more than he could even hurt me again, he couldn't do anything to hurt me as much as that did. I'm happy he apologized, but I'm not putting any stock in it until I see some results. The old him wouldn't have apologized ever because he thought he was right. I'm hoping that indicates changing some on a different level. He's always been very sensitive, but he can he hard too. I don't know how he does both. he complains about how busy and tired he is and what does he do for fall break? make 12-hour days at his intership and work the entire time. We had plans a few weekends ago, once at the original talk over IM he almost came out with me and friends but had a lot of homework and a test that Monday, and he had to cancel plans we had 2 weekends later because LSU residential life shoved crap at him like they always do (he's a Resident Assistant). He said the breakup wouldn't have taken so long if he didn't have real feelings for me, and that he was so harsh because he knew he'd want to come back and he would mess things up again. I don't understand how to understand him more... his thought processes are just ... I dunno. Like "I need space" communicates from him as = being an asshole and making me cry and try to get me to stay away so he can have the space and not telling me that he needs space. If he really cares, how can he say and do things he's said and done and not be in the least bit upset? Yet I remember when he would cry over something really sweet, and be really sensitive, cry at the idea of losing me. He can still be that way, I know it. But how he can simultaneously be so hard a person is beyond me. I just can't comprehend his thought patterns. I don't know what to say to him to get him to just TALK and communicate. I'd like to learn how his mind works. I've seen what he does for 7 years, and I'm still confused at his thought processes when things get rough, almost nothing correlates. When he sets out to do something to fix something, in his mind, it's what needs to be done to get the job done... then looking back on it, he's like "Maybe that wasn't really the best way to say/do that." He thinks things through, but it's like his brain leads him to think that the absolute worst way of doing or saying something is the best way to do it. It just completely baffles me. You wouldn't believe how many times this kind of things happened. He's a dumbass but not intentionally, like his brain mizes signals or something. But he's so intelligent, I'd be happy if he was just deficient in social skills like other typically smart people.
I just mean, really smart people tend to be not as hot on the social skills, they learn it later, like him. But he just knows how to make himself look good in front of people like teachers and uses that as how he interacts with everyone. He's barely learned how to be a friend. If I could just figure how his mind works or how to interpret stuff correctly or how to get him to just say "I need space" when that's what he needs... That's the root of all our problems. If I could help his behavior somehow, it would be beneficial to everbody, not just me. Like, word hints or ways of interacting with him that would help or something... Like that color-typing of people's personalities. "I'm a blue person, (I am) so it helps to interact with me in these ways" type thing. That was always the most helpful one I've seen, because it says the best ways to interact with people, what they need, things that trigger them getting upset, and that kind of thing. I want him to be a "what you see is what you get" person, I don't want to interpret, and I hate when he interprets (like thinking I purposely left my biology book at home when I had a rushed day and asked to study with him). There's nothing to interpret with me. I don't want to change who he is... just be able to understand him, and him talking differently or some such would really benefit that.

Anyway, sorry for the extensive length... but that's the whole story, I think. I hope someone can get me some feedback psychologically on how to deal with him. I truly appreciate any ideas, theories, etc., but I would really appreciate a psychologist point of view if possible.
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