1) the doctor really thinks i have ADD just from watching me and the sheets that were filled out. My aunt is a therapis and i stayed with her for a week this summer. She asked me out of the blue one day if i had ADD. She said she has it and she works specifically with people that have it, and really thinks i do. Honestly, that's what i think it is. I'm not sure if i just don't want it to be bipolar or what... I think they said the reason they dont' think i'm bipolar is that for the majority of the time I'm depressed (and my thoughts are still messy and way too fast, except that they're allmost all "down" thoughts, but i do have less energy so i'm not *as* fidgety) I'll go for weeks or even months being depressed. Severely, most of the time. Then i'll suddenly go for a week, *maybe* two or three if i'm *really* lucky of being up. for maybe half of that time, i'll be off the wall hyper. But I don't know if that's bipolar, or just since i'm not depressed the ADHD comes through without the depression taking away energy. They're not the same intensity, by far. I get pretty hyper when i'm not in depressive moods. But except for maybe a few days (which could i suppose be tacked up to excess sugar or pent up energy, i dont' know) my depressive moods are *FAR* deeper than any "Manic" ones. In any case, i will ask him, but he says every time anyway that he just doesn't have any idea what to do. it's obvious i'm depressed, but i'm just not getting better.
2) No, i was put on SSRIs the first time i went to the doctors, over two years ago. I've been on different ones since then. Gabitril i've been on since about June or so. It doesn't make me shake, it STOPPED shaking i *used* to have. It was supposed to help with Post Traumatic Stress Disoder and stop panick attacks. I still get panicky, but i stopped shaking when that happens. So even though the though the thoughts are still there, i'm fine with the medicine (sporadic totacolis is random neck spasms, and with the panick attacks i'd be shaking for hours also. Both would *hurt* after a while. so that's better). I hate being off ritalin. I noticed as soon as i got off. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't focus on one subject for more than a few minutes. the racing thoughts came back and i couldn't slow them down. I lost the ability to read because i'd get through a sentence and forgot how it started, i'd jump around the pages so much i couldn't understand... i'd go places with friends and wander off and forget where i was or what i was doing, and they couldn't find me (that becomes a problem rather quickly, lol) I space out and then get very, very disoriented... i can't take it. Even if it's not add, i don't know what it is, but the Concerta/ritalin is helping, so i want to stay on it. Those "symptoms" are the same *even in depressive moods*. I'm not running around and fidgeting quite as much when i'm depressed, but some of the other parts can even be worse.
3- i like this idea, but i wish i could actually do it. This doctor that i see will stick around. But as for therapy... i can't seem to work it out. We dont' have the money for it. Biggest problem. the one time i was actually in counseling/therepy, not only did i hate the lady and we got *nothing* accomplished, but a year and a half later we're still paying hundreds of dollars for a few hours of counseling (i only saw her through the school what was supposed to be fourty minutes once a week, but she missed a lot of time and always came halfway through the period so we had even less time). So they don't want to pay for it, they dont' want to take me, they don't want to acknowledge there's a problem. At all the evaluations and everything, they say "oh no, she's fine" even when all my teachers or friends say the exact opposite. Since i'm not "Classified" at school, the school counselers aren't technically supposed to see me. they're supposed to refer me to someone else. So i could see them once in a while if i really had a problem or emergency, but nothing regular. Which is what i did. One of them is cool enough to say they didn't care about the system, no one else seems to be giving me the help i need so they're gonna see me as much as they can. I'm hoping it'll be a regular thing... But i don't know how to get someone to tell my parents they *HAVE* to get me into counseling. All they've done is say "it might be a good idea"
4- Sometimes i kinda want to talk about the abuse. The lady that's going to try to see me at school, i mentioned to her that i was starting to want to talk about it but wasn't sure if i was ready. She "knew", but doesn't know any details or anything. she's gonna help me with it, i think. ~ I think what i really need is to wait until i'm out of the house and away from the people that have hurt me. next year, if i haven't killed myself yet, i'll probably be going away to school, if i can figure out how to manage it. I wanna go to school near where my aunt lives, to be near the one person i've found who accepts me for who i am, and away from the rest of my family. When i'm away from my brothers and my father and my ex-boyfriend... i think then i'll be more comfortable talking. It's just that you tell someone, and then it gets written down and reported, and since i'm underage my parents get copies, and then they get mad because i've "ratted them out for abuse and neglect" and people come in and nothing gets done, and they just get worse.... i don't know. it scares me. When i'm away from them and there's nothing they can do to me anymore... then i think i'll be ready to talk. if it doesn't kill me first.
5- the medicine still makes me uneasy. I stopped it again. so i know i'll crash within a few days. I guess i just feel that if i'm taking medicine for the way i think or act, then i'm not *ME* anymore, and it's saying that i wasn't good enough. And most importantly, that I'm just masking issues that should be DEALT with.
I cut again the other day. not too bad. My father woke me up yelling at me... i can't even remember anymore what about, i think i'm choosing to do that though. But he was yelling and swearing at me, telling me how stupid i was, the usual... I'm not sure why it affected me so badly this time, but i was crying all morning. I started to cut myself, but after one not so deep cut, i stopped. Cutting makes me feel better, and he had me so twisted and confused and disgusted with myself, that i couldn't even make myself feel better, so i stopped cutting. Since then i've constantly been with my best friend and working, so i've been too busy to even think. I've been okay. I'm getting the feeling it isn't going to last long. That always scares me. My two biggest "fears" are that i never know how long i'm going to feel any way and what it will change to, and that my thoughts race so fast i won't remember having this very thought... and i don't know what i've forgotten already.