As for meds, they keep changing them. I first went on medicine about two years ago (first time ever to a doctor except for shots as a baby). I had a really, really stupid nurse practicioner. She put me on zoloft and a really strong sleeping pill because i have problems sleeping. She knew i was there because my school was forcing me to because I attempted suicide. Naturally, I saved up the pills for a long time, and overdosed on them about a year ago. I'll get to that later. Uhm, the zoloft didn't have any effect, so they changed it... I lost track. I've been on Effexor, Lexepro, Desyrol, Zyprexa... some other stuff i dont' remember i'm sorry. they'd push and shove me off to new people because no one wanted to deal with me. I switched to the real doctor who is trying to help, just doesn't know what else to do with me. They've sent me to evaluations, but it's always with some guy who just wants to end the day and get home and have a drink, so just kinda rushes through and blows me off and doesn't help. The school wants me in outside counseling so they don't have to pay for it. The doctors want me in counseling at school because they think that's what will help me most. My parents dont' want me in counseling at all. They want to pretend everything's fine. Wait, I got off track, what was the question... medine. Somewhere along the line, maybe a year ago? they settled on Prozac. I can notice a difference when I'm off it, but it doesn't exactly help when I'm on it, if that makes any sense. I *know* it's not just supposed to make me "happy" or anything, just even things out or soemthing like that. I still go wildly up and down. It's just even worse when i'm off it. I also take Gabatril that's supposed to help with anxiety and panic attacks and stress, something like that. It doesn't, all it does is help me stop shaking (both random shaking, this twitching i do because i have tortacolis or something like that, and the shaking when i get panick attacks). That makes sense because it's a seizure medicine. I also take Concerta and Ritalin, but I've been off them for the summer. I have a doctor's appointment wendesday, so he should be putting me back on them since i start school again the next day. (speaking of which, anything you can give me that you think i should tell/ask my doctor would be helpful because i never know what to say when i'm in there). The Concerta/Ritalin I took for a month or two before the stopped me when school ended. The Gabatril I've been on since June. Prozac since... hmm, i started *last* june/july. The first time i was evaluated I had this lady who quite literally asked a question and then started writing answers before i said a word. Turns out she's the same lady who evaluated my sister years ago. She reported that there was nothing wrong with me, I was no risk (i guess because I didn't worship the devil or kill small animals, i dont' know...) Everyone knew that was wrong, so the next step was a real psychologist evaluating me. He said he thought it might be a bipolar disorder but that seemed to have gotten overlooked. He pretty much just suggested being put on SSRIs and seeing a doctor, and regular counseling. I started seeing the bad nurse who didn't help at all. Just listed me as having depression. Finally switched over to the real doctor who just didn't know to treat as otherwise. I found i could actually tell him things other than quick "yes or no" to questions. I told him about problems i had in school with concentrating and sitting still and being in trouble at home a lot for stupid, impulsive things. He had me fill out this sheet and give it to my teachers to fill out. He gave me two because he wasn't sure, one for bipolar and one for ADD. He said they both came back really high, so he wasn't sure (this was just a few months ago) He put me on zyprexa. It helped me sit still, but mostly just because it made me tired. That one was for bipolar i guess. He was worried about giving me ritalin, something about it being like "speed" to a "normal" person, and worse to a bipolar person, i dont' know. He finally decided to put me on the ritalin, figuing it could rule out ADD/ADHD if it didn't work and they could take me off it immediatly. I insisted all along i didn't have ADD. I'm not sure why, i think it scared me, or i figured it was proof i was stupid, or it would have been found sooner than this, i don't know. But the medicine he put me on, WORKED. It didn't help the depression, but i could sit still, i could finish a worksheet and remember better, i could read better. My teachers thought there was something wrong with me because i was behaving, lol. So he diagnosed me with ADHD. But the depression was still not really responding to medicine. I hadn't been in counseling, except for sporadic meetings with school counselors who mostly just say "stick with it, it'll get better, but you need to stay in class and stop bothering the teacher she's getting very frustrated". Right before school ended this year they slipped me in to see the school psychiatrist again. He still didn't really listen to me. He threw me off because i didn't want to talk about the abuse. I don't like admitting it or talking about it. Even my best friends know that there's an area there that's just not right, but don't touch it. But for whatever reason, i walk in there calm because they told me i didn't have to say things that were to hard to. And the first thing he says is, Hello...so, i think that you were abused... I shut down because i was so thrown off. ALL he asked me regaurding school/ADD/Bipolar was how my grades were when i was younger. They were okay because all we had were worksheets that took five minutes. They were puzzles to me and i could keep my attention for that long. He said in his report that he didn't think it was ADD because I got good grades in elementary school, and he didn't think it was bipolar because.. why? oh, because I had long, very deep depressive episodes with short bursts of high energy and slight mania. I only just recently turned 17, i'm not sure if that means anything. He said he added to the major depression a diagnoses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He said that i show signs of "Severe Psychopathology" and that "it is very important for [me] to get intensive and frequent psychotherepy" stuff like that. I have the report on my computer somewhere.
The abuse... this is real touchy for me but i'll try and give you what you need. My father was emotionally and physically abusive. That's just the way he is, the way we were raised, the way he was raised. In an very, very stict and old fashioned sort of way. His parents came over from germany or something like that. It was just the way you raised kids, disciplined them. My mother came from an abusive (emotionally only, i think?) family also. Around the time i turned 7, everything changed. I am the youngest of 9 kids. My three oldest sisters got married and moved out (along with one of them went my neice who is my age and we were more like sisters). My oldest brother moved out, another sister was sent to a hospital because of anorexia, my mother went back to work, my father worked more than he already did, and two of my brothers became abusive toward me. Again, physically and emotionally. One of them has in the past few years stopped. The other... it's infrequent but i just have to be careful. He's crazier than i am. My father for years has been too old to touch me, but emotionally hurts just as much. I've had an on and off relationship with this guy i've known since i was five for the past couple years which turned abusive (physically, emotionally, and sexually). I never told anyone. Most people just sort of knew. from rumor, from knowing my other siblings who have mentioned it to friends, i don't know. I never said anything, they just... *knew*, and knew to let it go. Be there for me when i needed them, but that i couldn't talk. The police, child protection, everything has been called and they never do anything. can never find proof for some reason i guess. There's three people at school i see (at least, three that help me) the social worker, who was the first one at all i began seeing the day after i first tried to kill myself) knew. It's not hard to peice two and two together i guess. But she could never get me to say it, no matter how hard she'd try to get it out of me. The second was kind of... informed, hinted at it, i don't know. but she's awesome, she has a way of helping me deel with feelings like that without actually having to talk about them. The third, who funnily enough is the stupidest and *couldn't* peice things together, is the one i finally broke down and told one day about. he didn't do much, it was right before the last evaluation and said he'd fight as hard as he could to make sure i got help.
I didn't get help.
My parents won't let me go to counseling. The biggest reason is we cannot afford it. Second is they don't want/can't take me. The real reason though is they're afraid they'll get in trouble, they'll look bad. They want to make everything look pretty.
My best friend's grandmother is bipolar. I don't know much about it but from what i have heard... well, when they thought i was bipolar i was terrified. I still don't know a lot about it.
I can be hospitalized just for cutting? hmmm... most of my teachers, the school social worker, psychologist, my guidance counselor, and the school nerse to name a few, know i cut, have seen my cuts, have bandaged my cuts, have *seen* me cut... no one's done anything. It's in reports that I'm a cutter, but never any help or hospital or anything. My parents don't care.
It helps, this helped. I'm very disorganized to begin with, and still disorganized when i write it out, but merely writing is thereputic, and to give someone my "records" somehow helps sort it out for me, no matter how many times i've done it before. Just even a few weeks ago i was feeling suicidal again. Between a few really good friends, camping trips, getting ready to go back to school, and being really busy, i've been okay the past few days. I'm guessing within a week or two, especially with school, i'll be down again.
I also knows, and this is what sorta makes me nervous... it's my senior year. I've known, by some intuition, since the third grade, that i would not survive through my senior year. I only remembered that a few months ago during a conversation with a friend. I told them I knew i wouldn't react well to everything. I knew, I *knew* I'd end up getting so depressed and stressed and scared etc that i'd end up with a major suicide attempt, or success, my senior year. Then i remembered that.... I've already unintentionally given myself a date. If i'm not feeling better, getting help, feeling more hopeful at least (NOT *better*, that's too much in a short time to ask) then I give up... I dont' know. It's just getting really sooner. I'm at an up now. I can deal with this. I'm not happy, but i'm okay. I can take okay. But i just can't seem to remember that breif "okay period" when I fall into a really deep, really long depression... i don't know. Anyway, i think i got all your questions, i'm not sure. thanks for writing and being interested though.