high_volzage (high_volzage) wrote in freetherapy,
high_volzage
high_volzage
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uhm...

...

hi. I just joined, but I've been hesitant to post. But now I've got something specific i really need to address, and this place is actually perfect to do it. First, though, some history...

My name is Kade. I'm 17 years old and i've been diagnosed with a bunch of different thigns but theyr'e still nto sure what the heck is wrong with me. Major depression, adhd, post-tramatic stress disorder, dependant or somethign like that, they thought i was bipolar... i've lost coutn. I've been on so many different medications over the past two or three years and none have worked. I can't get counseling on a regular basis because A) my family doesn't have money B) I can't really get anywhere C) My parents don't want me in it for various other reasons (makes them look bad, afraid they'll get in trouble if i talk about things they did- i was abused, for instance) etc... The only people i have seen who i was comfortable with were three different people at my school, but since i'm not in a special program i'm not their problem. One of them is cool enough to see me and when school starts in September I look forward to seeing her again. She does this thing called EFT and it actually works. Hopefully she can help me feel better, but i know nothing she does can help if i don't address a few things which i'm too afraid to do with the people such as her whom i actually *know* and deal with in real life. So that's why it's perfect to do it here. And i'm in a temporary "up" part of my little roller coaster so I can do this for now... anyway...

The first thing is taht i have a habbit of stopping my medicine. It doesn't work in that i still feel very depressed when i take it. I know they're not "happy pills" but I still go up and down, i still wanna kill myself, i still cut myself... But i know i need to take the medicine, or else they'll blame that for why i feel bad. And since i can sense some of a change for the worse when i dont' take it, so maybe it works a bit... I dont' know why i stop taking it. But i can't get myself to. It's like a cycle. I'll be okay for a few days/weeks. Then I'll start falling again, and after a while I'll stop taking the medicines. kind of a "this is bullshit" measure. I'll be depressed for weeks/months, falling lower and faster. After a while I'll start to get okay again and when I'm stable, i start taking the medicine. and the cycle just repeats. And as much as i know i need to, i keep stopping the medicine and i can't help it. How do i change that? ~ also, the best i can figure out is maybe this: am i scared of being okay? I've *always* been like this and never knew what happiness or even "okayness" was. It's hellish, but it's "comfortable" in a sense that i know it. But when i get "up" for a while, when I fall it's like jumping off a skyscraper because i know just how bad it is... uhm... I've been falling slowly for about a week now, but for a few weeks before that were the best I've ever been. Not happy but *okay* and that was all i was asking for. But that was hard, it was scary, it took a lot of energy, i had no idea what was going on. I didn't know how to deal with things, cuz i had never been there before. So as I've been falling, i suddenly had that thought: What if i'm too scared to get better? I knew I'd be in all this pain again, but i *know* the pain. I dont' know the okayness, it's scary and tiresome. I dont' know, what do you make of that?

also, there's this one other thing that scares me, i dont' know what to do about it. For some reason, in the back of my head, there's one other option. Otherwise it's suicide. But this other "vision" keeps popping in my head... a hostpital. That scares the hell out of me, i have issues with them. My sister was sent to one, i see them in movies and stuff... i don't know, it just scares me. And my social worker assures me that it's impossible to get into one even if i was willing, and my parents can't pay for me to go, so i know it won't happen, so that comforts me. But i keep getting this feeling, like maybe that's what I *have* to do. I can't express myself too well so all these people who are trying to figure out how to diagnose me and what to do with me can't see me all the time, can't see what i'm like on a regular basis or for an extended amount of time. There, i'd be monitored. They'd be better able to understand me. They'd make sure I'd take my medicine. I'd be able to finally crash to the lowest possible level, in a safe place, and then go up and get better, finally, from there. Someone could actually see me every day or every week or however it works, talk to me and counsel me. Now i get maybe once a month when my teachers report me because I'm talking about wanting to die or I'm cutting myself so the guidance counselors and social workers are forced to see me, and they just tell me to quit it and "hang in there" I love that one. The write off, the "i sound like i care but i really don't" anyay... yeah. so what do you think of that too? Is it possible to get into a hospital like that? For an extended period of time, a week or two wouldn't work. not with me, lol. What is the cost? (I live in Upstate NY, near Utica, if that makes any difference). Do you know of anything that could help me like that?

there was something else but i can't remember...

thanks.
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