Mike (solarr8) wrote in freetherapy,
Mike
solarr8
freetherapy

Greetings

Well if any of you therapists in training get really bored, well this right now is the only venu that i can post in without the paranoia and anxiety getting too bad... Ever had a fear so bad that you cry if you think about it? i am deathly afraid of bees. when i see one i cringe and run for cover. Just thinking about it makes me scream in terror. Well thats practicly about the same feeling i get when i think about going to my doctor for a therapist. i think i might be able to do it if maybe i was invisible or if i had a way to go without anyone being able to tell who i am. Eventually ive been able to rationalize the fear to the extent of the internet. I know that by posting here, no one can ever find me. No one can ever point me on the street. When i think about someone finding out, about me, it is my very worst fear... which is why i can't go to a phyciatrist face to face. I know i have "the little man complex" for lack of better terminology. Atleast thats what this 1 person said.

Well i dunno where to start. I used to be depressed alot untill i talked to another therapist a few times over messinger. But after a while she just wasn't able to deal with me anymore. Even though i find her last letter to me to be severly hippocritical i will post it for the sake of information:

I just got sick of you IMing me when you were really messed up
(like drunk or
high) when I asked you not to (clearly, asking you not to was not effective,
which is why I didn't ask again) and asking me what to do then not trusting my
advice. I just couldn't handle the emotional investment I had in you doing
well only to watch you get drunk and high all the time and be like "oh maybe if
I'm just high while I do everything I'll be better". I can't handle that I
feel responsible for every time you fall down. And lastly, I feel like I've
given
you every resource and piece of advice I know to give you, and it's up to you
whether to follow my advice or not. I can't sit around telling you "no
really, follow my advice". It's not my job to force you to do x or y. That's
your
job.

The breaking point was basiclly when she kept telling me to see a therapist. The thing about drunk and high is nonsence. She got drunk way more than me and even I don't do mushrooms... but thats enough of that

She did cure about 95 percent of my depression cognativly only and i do thank her for that.

You'll find that i do have alot of troble with relationships with people (not talking about love relationships) So now that my depression is under control i guess i need to catch up on my anxiety and my paranois. And whatever the little man complex is. I have noticed that i have my "quest" to be infinatly importand, famous and revered for whatever i try to convince myself im good at. And it causes me to get into negitive brushes with people. I know that i also have ego problems sometimes simply because its just me trying to make myself feel better when i am depressed and i feel like i have no self esteem. Its amazing how god damn inteligent i am yet it doesn't do a damn for my problems. Iv'e been told i have all intelligence and no wisdom. I'd have to agree.

But i pride meself in how smart i am and how easilly i can manipulate certain things. But i know that that can easily turn sour. I know that my ego and such will be the end of me and will make me backtrack when my obsession with ego will turn into anger and depression again. I'm smart enough to know that...

So what else can i say about myself? Well i guess not only do i have the panic attacks about seeing a doctor its about the medication too. I'm afraid if i take it i might just be on it forever but now that i think about im being a hypocrit of myself. After all im taking stacker 2 right now to try and cheat with my weight so i might as well succumb to the happy pill. I guess im just afraid it will turn me into a drone or somthing im not so again im fighting my own self about weather or not to go on meds. i know they help but like i said i am kinda afraid of them. But im WAY more afraid of a shrink. I guess i'm so smart i am too smart for myself.

Well if anyone is still reading and not asleep at the computer i check my posts often like almost every day atleast once a week. So if anyone has any comments they are welcome. And i will try very hard not to let my complex leave a bad tase in your mouth. Somehow i hope i will do better with internet therapy this time around.

Blessings for anyone who decides to try and cure me i wish you the best of luck.

Solarr8
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