Log in

freetherapist's Journal
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in freetherapist's LiveJournal:

Friday, September 19th, 2008
10:47 am
Friday, October 20th, 2006
9:39 pm
*nervously waves* Umm... Hi, I'm new here

Well I don't even know why I decided to join this community. I mean, it's not like anyone gives a flying fuck about my pathetic problems, so I apologize in advance for bothering ya'll... I'll try to keep it as short as possible.




Oh geez that "short as possible" tag turned out to be kinda long, so I'll shut up now. Sorry it was so long and drawn out.


Current Mood: discontent
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
2:13 am
long, but needing some psych help
I started dating a guy my sophomore year of high school, and we were together for 7 years, engaged for the last year. He loved me to death, and the first 6 years were amazing, but the last year was bad because he said he felt pressured once we were engaged and couldn't handle it (which is odd because he said he wanted to marry me after our 2nd date, and we'd talked about kids and a house and children). We went on a break after a few unsuccessful breakups, and one movie and dinner date last August so we dated again. He didn't get to talk to me for 3 months because he was so busy, and then told me "Don't take this the wrong way, but I've met this girl and asked her out, she said yes, but she'd prefer that we be exclusive, so you and I aren't dating anymore." I tried to talk to him and asked him why he broke things off from me. He said that my engagement ring is in a locked box in a bank safe and that if he ever made the "stupid decision to ever date me again," he wouldn't be tempted to get it anytime soon. I kept trying to talk to him, and he threatened a restraining order on me when all I wanted to do was talk to him. He lied to me and said that on that last date he felt nothing for me... I hope he's grown up a little by dating that 18 year old, he's 24. I told him I'd hope that he'd pick someone more mature, but oh well. A few weeks ago we talked ofer IM and he apologized for my depression and many other things, as my father died this past May and he wasn't there for any of it. He didn't say that he broke up with her, just that they broke up, so I hope he's the one that got dumped. Apparently the being an asshole was because he needed space. I was like, why the crap didn't you just tell me? I told him he knows nothing about women, and that we're all nuts in some way, almost always several, and there's always an inferiority complex and that it may not turn up right away, but they're there. So I hope he's learned a few things. I wish I knew someone that was still friends with him so I can find out if he's learned anything or not. He wants to try again but he doesn't want to hurt me, he's scared. He couldn't hurt me any more than he already has, but I haven't told him that yet, though I want to. There's no way he has to worry about hurting me more because things he's done to get "space" have hurt me more than he could even hurt me again, he couldn't do anything to hurt me as much as that did. I'm happy he apologized, but I'm not putting any stock in it until I see some results. The old him wouldn't have apologized ever because he thought he was right. I'm hoping that indicates changing some on a different level. He's always been very sensitive, but he can he hard too. I don't know how he does both. he complains about how busy and tired he is and what does he do for fall break? make 12-hour days at his intership and work the entire time. We had plans a few weekends ago, once at the original talk over IM he almost came out with me and friends but had a lot of homework and a test that Monday, and he had to cancel plans we had 2 weekends later because LSU residential life shoved crap at him like they always do (he's a Resident Assistant). He said the breakup wouldn't have taken so long if he didn't have real feelings for me, and that he was so harsh because he knew he'd want to come back and he would mess things up again. I don't understand how to understand him more... his thought processes are just ... I dunno. Like "I need space" communicates from him as = being an asshole and making me cry and try to get me to stay away so he can have the space and not telling me that he needs space. If he really cares, how can he say and do things he's said and done and not be in the least bit upset? Yet I remember when he would cry over something really sweet, and be really sensitive, cry at the idea of losing me. He can still be that way, I know it. But how he can simultaneously be so hard a person is beyond me. I just can't comprehend his thought patterns. I don't know what to say to him to get him to just TALK and communicate. I'd like to learn how his mind works. I've seen what he does for 7 years, and I'm still confused at his thought processes when things get rough, almost nothing correlates. When he sets out to do something to fix something, in his mind, it's what needs to be done to get the job done... then looking back on it, he's like "Maybe that wasn't really the best way to say/do that." He thinks things through, but it's like his brain leads him to think that the absolute worst way of doing or saying something is the best way to do it. It just completely baffles me. You wouldn't believe how many times this kind of things happened. He's a dumbass but not intentionally, like his brain mizes signals or something. But he's so intelligent, I'd be happy if he was just deficient in social skills like other typically smart people.
I just mean, really smart people tend to be not as hot on the social skills, they learn it later, like him. But he just knows how to make himself look good in front of people like teachers and uses that as how he interacts with everyone. He's barely learned how to be a friend. If I could just figure how his mind works or how to interpret stuff correctly or how to get him to just say "I need space" when that's what he needs... That's the root of all our problems. If I could help his behavior somehow, it would be beneficial to everbody, not just me. Like, word hints or ways of interacting with him that would help or something... Like that color-typing of people's personalities. "I'm a blue person, (I am) so it helps to interact with me in these ways" type thing. That was always the most helpful one I've seen, because it says the best ways to interact with people, what they need, things that trigger them getting upset, and that kind of thing. I want him to be a "what you see is what you get" person, I don't want to interpret, and I hate when he interprets (like thinking I purposely left my biology book at home when I had a rushed day and asked to study with him). There's nothing to interpret with me. I don't want to change who he is... just be able to understand him, and him talking differently or some such would really benefit that.

Anyway, sorry for the extensive length... but that's the whole story, I think. I hope someone can get me some feedback psychologically on how to deal with him. I truly appreciate any ideas, theories, etc., but I would really appreciate a psychologist point of view if possible.

Current Mood: anxious
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
9:20 pm
Dear Silvertiara...
Hey everyone. I realize that this community hasn't been used in a while, but I thought I would join anyway. My friends always say I am great at giving advice, and I am getting my degree in psychology, so if there's advice you might want, let me try to see if I can help you! I can't say I can answer everything but at least I'll give you some things to think about. What do you say? Anyway, I'm here. Talk to me. :o )

Current Mood: hopeful
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
9:37 pm
does anyone have any pointers for job interviews?
i haven't had very many, since i've really only ever had 3 jobs and only 2 required an interview...
i know i screwed up one interview royally, but after the fact, i was gald that i did, cuz a better paying job came along... just like now... i have a chance to make almost double what i make now, so i don't want to do anything wrong...

this is a job for an accounting position if that makes a difference for the advice to be given...
this is really a big deal for me, since this is what i went to school for!

any advice is appreciated!


Current Mood: excited
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
10:31 am
strange advice...
so i finally saw my therapist after a month... but it was good to see her. i think i may have made some progress even though i did have a setback. but anyways, most of my issues revolve around this ex that cheated on me. and i had no problem being angry and walking away, but i can't get over him. something btw him and i is just unresolved and i was explaining this to my therapist. and my ex has this quality of showing up in my life again over and over after months of us not seeing or speaking to one another. so, it seems like he and i both share this attraction or obsession (not even sure what to call it and i don't wanna say it's love...) but my therapist suggested that maybe i do need to have a few more rounds with this ex, but she warned me to be careful as she doesn't want me getting hurt... i just don't know. i did just see him last week, (that would be my setback) but i don't know whether it made me weaker or stronger becuz after everything happened with him, i freaked and told him i couldn't see him anymore etc... i just thought it was odd that my therapist suggested this. and our session time ran out, so i didn't really get to find out why... i don't know, maybe for me, this is the one guy i haven't conquered and i know i'm the one girl he hasn't conquered... i mean neither of us budge when it comes to our stubborness... i guess i'll wait and see what happens and find out more from my therapist during our next session.

Current Mood: confused
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
8:02 pm
new here
i was diagnosed with severe depression this summer and was told i needed at least 3 to 4 sessions of therapy a week. this was virtually impossible because i was working fulltime and taking summer classes and i had to wait to be assigned a therapist first, which took a month. so at this point, for someone who needed therapy multiple times a week, i survived 3 months having only seen this therapist 3 times. i would say my depression is somewhat controled now, but obviously the reasons for my depression are still there. and i guess by using my own psychology background, i've begun looking at myself by just taking out the facts and forgetting that they are my issues and just writing about them and venting. i blasted my ex boyfriend pretty harshly on this thing, but it felt so good to just let it out! better out then in they say! and then today i had some what of an epiphany! so i realize that i do still need my therapy. obviously outside help is best! in fact most of my reasons for being depressed are because things would happen and i would blame myself and then i would have all these issues going in my head and stressors, but i would never ask for help. going to a therapist was a very big step for me. i just hope i can get to have sessions more then just once a month. but at least now i know i can check in here and get support. i've joined some other communities on LJ that i feel will help me too. right now, i just need to feel like i have strength and support behind me.

Current Mood: exhausted
Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
12:43 am
reply again
it's too long to post as a comment....

1) the doctor really thinks i have ADD just from watching me and the sheets that were filled out. My aunt is a therapis and i stayed with her for a week this summer. She asked me out of the blue one day if i had ADD. She said she has it and she works specifically with people that have it, and really thinks i do. Honestly, that's what i think it is. I'm not sure if i just don't want it to be bipolar or what... I think they said the reason they dont' think i'm bipolar is that for the majority of the time I'm depressed (and my thoughts are still messy and way too fast, except that they're allmost all "down" thoughts, but i do have less energy so i'm not *as* fidgety) I'll go for weeks or even months being depressed. Severely, most of the time. Then i'll suddenly go for a week, *maybe* two or three if i'm *really* lucky of being up. for maybe half of that time, i'll be off the wall hyper. But I don't know if that's bipolar, or just since i'm not depressed the ADHD comes through without the depression taking away energy. They're not the same intensity, by far. I get pretty hyper when i'm not in depressive moods. But except for maybe a few days (which could i suppose be tacked up to excess sugar or pent up energy, i dont' know) my depressive moods are *FAR* deeper than any "Manic" ones. In any case, i will ask him, but he says every time anyway that he just doesn't have any idea what to do. it's obvious i'm depressed, but i'm just not getting better.

2) No, i was put on SSRIs the first time i went to the doctors, over two years ago. I've been on different ones since then. Gabitril i've been on since about June or so. It doesn't make me shake, it STOPPED shaking i *used* to have. It was supposed to help with Post Traumatic Stress Disoder and stop panick attacks. I still get panicky, but i stopped shaking when that happens. So even though the though the thoughts are still there, i'm fine with the medicine (sporadic totacolis is random neck spasms, and with the panick attacks i'd be shaking for hours also. Both would *hurt* after a while. so that's better). I hate being off ritalin. I noticed as soon as i got off. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't focus on one subject for more than a few minutes. the racing thoughts came back and i couldn't slow them down. I lost the ability to read because i'd get through a sentence and forgot how it started, i'd jump around the pages so much i couldn't understand... i'd go places with friends and wander off and forget where i was or what i was doing, and they couldn't find me (that becomes a problem rather quickly, lol) I space out and then get very, very disoriented... i can't take it. Even if it's not add, i don't know what it is, but the Concerta/ritalin is helping, so i want to stay on it. Those "symptoms" are the same *even in depressive moods*. I'm not running around and fidgeting quite as much when i'm depressed, but some of the other parts can even be worse.

3- i like this idea, but i wish i could actually do it. This doctor that i see will stick around. But as for therapy... i can't seem to work it out. We dont' have the money for it. Biggest problem. the one time i was actually in counseling/therepy, not only did i hate the lady and we got *nothing* accomplished, but a year and a half later we're still paying hundreds of dollars for a few hours of counseling (i only saw her through the school what was supposed to be fourty minutes once a week, but she missed a lot of time and always came halfway through the period so we had even less time). So they don't want to pay for it, they dont' want to take me, they don't want to acknowledge there's a problem. At all the evaluations and everything, they say "oh no, she's fine" even when all my teachers or friends say the exact opposite. Since i'm not "Classified" at school, the school counselers aren't technically supposed to see me. they're supposed to refer me to someone else. So i could see them once in a while if i really had a problem or emergency, but nothing regular. Which is what i did. One of them is cool enough to say they didn't care about the system, no one else seems to be giving me the help i need so they're gonna see me as much as they can. I'm hoping it'll be a regular thing... But i don't know how to get someone to tell my parents they *HAVE* to get me into counseling. All they've done is say "it might be a good idea"

4- Sometimes i kinda want to talk about the abuse. The lady that's going to try to see me at school, i mentioned to her that i was starting to want to talk about it but wasn't sure if i was ready. She "knew", but doesn't know any details or anything. she's gonna help me with it, i think. ~ I think what i really need is to wait until i'm out of the house and away from the people that have hurt me. next year, if i haven't killed myself yet, i'll probably be going away to school, if i can figure out how to manage it. I wanna go to school near where my aunt lives, to be near the one person i've found who accepts me for who i am, and away from the rest of my family. When i'm away from my brothers and my father and my ex-boyfriend... i think then i'll be more comfortable talking. It's just that you tell someone, and then it gets written down and reported, and since i'm underage my parents get copies, and then they get mad because i've "ratted them out for abuse and neglect" and people come in and nothing gets done, and they just get worse.... i don't know. it scares me. When i'm away from them and there's nothing they can do to me anymore... then i think i'll be ready to talk. if it doesn't kill me first.

5- the medicine still makes me uneasy. I stopped it again. so i know i'll crash within a few days. I guess i just feel that if i'm taking medicine for the way i think or act, then i'm not *ME* anymore, and it's saying that i wasn't good enough. And most importantly, that I'm just masking issues that should be DEALT with.

I cut again the other day. not too bad. My father woke me up yelling at me... i can't even remember anymore what about, i think i'm choosing to do that though. But he was yelling and swearing at me, telling me how stupid i was, the usual... I'm not sure why it affected me so badly this time, but i was crying all morning. I started to cut myself, but after one not so deep cut, i stopped. Cutting makes me feel better, and he had me so twisted and confused and disgusted with myself, that i couldn't even make myself feel better, so i stopped cutting. Since then i've constantly been with my best friend and working, so i've been too busy to even think. I've been okay. I'm getting the feeling it isn't going to last long. That always scares me. My two biggest "fears" are that i never know how long i'm going to feel any way and what it will change to, and that my thoughts race so fast i won't remember having this very thought... and i don't know what i've forgotten already.

Current Mood: busy
Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
12:44 am
reply to aisu_kurimu's post...
sorry the reply wasn't quick, I've been away for a while. okay, uhm...

As for meds, they keep changing them. I first went on medicine about two years ago (first time ever to a doctor except for shots as a baby). I had a really, really stupid nurse practicioner. She put me on zoloft and a really strong sleeping pill because i have problems sleeping. She knew i was there because my school was forcing me to because I attempted suicide. Naturally, I saved up the pills for a long time, and overdosed on them about a year ago. I'll get to that later. Uhm, the zoloft didn't have any effect, so they changed it... I lost track. I've been on Effexor, Lexepro, Desyrol, Zyprexa... some other stuff i dont' remember i'm sorry. they'd push and shove me off to new people because no one wanted to deal with me. I switched to the real doctor who is trying to help, just doesn't know what else to do with me. They've sent me to evaluations, but it's always with some guy who just wants to end the day and get home and have a drink, so just kinda rushes through and blows me off and doesn't help. The school wants me in outside counseling so they don't have to pay for it. The doctors want me in counseling at school because they think that's what will help me most. My parents dont' want me in counseling at all. They want to pretend everything's fine. Wait, I got off track, what was the question... medine. Somewhere along the line, maybe a year ago? they settled on Prozac. I can notice a difference when I'm off it, but it doesn't exactly help when I'm on it, if that makes any sense. I *know* it's not just supposed to make me "happy" or anything, just even things out or soemthing like that. I still go wildly up and down. It's just even worse when i'm off it. I also take Gabatril that's supposed to help with anxiety and panic attacks and stress, something like that. It doesn't, all it does is help me stop shaking (both random shaking, this twitching i do because i have tortacolis or something like that, and the shaking when i get panick attacks). That makes sense because it's a seizure medicine. I also take Concerta and Ritalin, but I've been off them for the summer. I have a doctor's appointment wendesday, so he should be putting me back on them since i start school again the next day. (speaking of which, anything you can give me that you think i should tell/ask my doctor would be helpful because i never know what to say when i'm in there). The Concerta/Ritalin I took for a month or two before the stopped me when school ended. The Gabatril I've been on since June. Prozac since... hmm, i started *last* june/july. The first time i was evaluated I had this lady who quite literally asked a question and then started writing answers before i said a word. Turns out she's the same lady who evaluated my sister years ago. She reported that there was nothing wrong with me, I was no risk (i guess because I didn't worship the devil or kill small animals, i dont' know...) Everyone knew that was wrong, so the next step was a real psychologist evaluating me. He said he thought it might be a bipolar disorder but that seemed to have gotten overlooked. He pretty much just suggested being put on SSRIs and seeing a doctor, and regular counseling. I started seeing the bad nurse who didn't help at all. Just listed me as having depression. Finally switched over to the real doctor who just didn't know to treat as otherwise. I found i could actually tell him things other than quick "yes or no" to questions. I told him about problems i had in school with concentrating and sitting still and being in trouble at home a lot for stupid, impulsive things. He had me fill out this sheet and give it to my teachers to fill out. He gave me two because he wasn't sure, one for bipolar and one for ADD. He said they both came back really high, so he wasn't sure (this was just a few months ago) He put me on zyprexa. It helped me sit still, but mostly just because it made me tired. That one was for bipolar i guess. He was worried about giving me ritalin, something about it being like "speed" to a "normal" person, and worse to a bipolar person, i dont' know. He finally decided to put me on the ritalin, figuing it could rule out ADD/ADHD if it didn't work and they could take me off it immediatly. I insisted all along i didn't have ADD. I'm not sure why, i think it scared me, or i figured it was proof i was stupid, or it would have been found sooner than this, i don't know. But the medicine he put me on, WORKED. It didn't help the depression, but i could sit still, i could finish a worksheet and remember better, i could read better. My teachers thought there was something wrong with me because i was behaving, lol. So he diagnosed me with ADHD. But the depression was still not really responding to medicine. I hadn't been in counseling, except for sporadic meetings with school counselors who mostly just say "stick with it, it'll get better, but you need to stay in class and stop bothering the teacher she's getting very frustrated". Right before school ended this year they slipped me in to see the school psychiatrist again. He still didn't really listen to me. He threw me off because i didn't want to talk about the abuse. I don't like admitting it or talking about it. Even my best friends know that there's an area there that's just not right, but don't touch it. But for whatever reason, i walk in there calm because they told me i didn't have to say things that were to hard to. And the first thing he says is, Hello...so, i think that you were abused... I shut down because i was so thrown off. ALL he asked me regaurding school/ADD/Bipolar was how my grades were when i was younger. They were okay because all we had were worksheets that took five minutes. They were puzzles to me and i could keep my attention for that long. He said in his report that he didn't think it was ADD because I got good grades in elementary school, and he didn't think it was bipolar because.. why? oh, because I had long, very deep depressive episodes with short bursts of high energy and slight mania. I only just recently turned 17, i'm not sure if that means anything. He said he added to the major depression a diagnoses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He said that i show signs of "Severe Psychopathology" and that "it is very important for [me] to get intensive and frequent psychotherepy" stuff like that. I have the report on my computer somewhere.

The abuse... this is real touchy for me but i'll try and give you what you need. My father was emotionally and physically abusive. That's just the way he is, the way we were raised, the way he was raised. In an very, very stict and old fashioned sort of way. His parents came over from germany or something like that. It was just the way you raised kids, disciplined them. My mother came from an abusive (emotionally only, i think?) family also. Around the time i turned 7, everything changed. I am the youngest of 9 kids. My three oldest sisters got married and moved out (along with one of them went my neice who is my age and we were more like sisters). My oldest brother moved out, another sister was sent to a hospital because of anorexia, my mother went back to work, my father worked more than he already did, and two of my brothers became abusive toward me. Again, physically and emotionally. One of them has in the past few years stopped. The other... it's infrequent but i just have to be careful. He's crazier than i am. My father for years has been too old to touch me, but emotionally hurts just as much. I've had an on and off relationship with this guy i've known since i was five for the past couple years which turned abusive (physically, emotionally, and sexually). I never told anyone. Most people just sort of knew. from rumor, from knowing my other siblings who have mentioned it to friends, i don't know. I never said anything, they just... *knew*, and knew to let it go. Be there for me when i needed them, but that i couldn't talk. The police, child protection, everything has been called and they never do anything. can never find proof for some reason i guess. There's three people at school i see (at least, three that help me) the social worker, who was the first one at all i began seeing the day after i first tried to kill myself) knew. It's not hard to peice two and two together i guess. But she could never get me to say it, no matter how hard she'd try to get it out of me. The second was kind of... informed, hinted at it, i don't know. but she's awesome, she has a way of helping me deel with feelings like that without actually having to talk about them. The third, who funnily enough is the stupidest and *couldn't* peice things together, is the one i finally broke down and told one day about. he didn't do much, it was right before the last evaluation and said he'd fight as hard as he could to make sure i got help.
I didn't get help.
My parents won't let me go to counseling. The biggest reason is we cannot afford it. Second is they don't want/can't take me. The real reason though is they're afraid they'll get in trouble, they'll look bad. They want to make everything look pretty.

My best friend's grandmother is bipolar. I don't know much about it but from what i have heard... well, when they thought i was bipolar i was terrified. I still don't know a lot about it.

I can be hospitalized just for cutting? hmmm... most of my teachers, the school social worker, psychologist, my guidance counselor, and the school nerse to name a few, know i cut, have seen my cuts, have bandaged my cuts, have *seen* me cut... no one's done anything. It's in reports that I'm a cutter, but never any help or hospital or anything. My parents don't care.

It helps, this helped. I'm very disorganized to begin with, and still disorganized when i write it out, but merely writing is thereputic, and to give someone my "records" somehow helps sort it out for me, no matter how many times i've done it before. Just even a few weeks ago i was feeling suicidal again. Between a few really good friends, camping trips, getting ready to go back to school, and being really busy, i've been okay the past few days. I'm guessing within a week or two, especially with school, i'll be down again.

I also knows, and this is what sorta makes me nervous... it's my senior year. I've known, by some intuition, since the third grade, that i would not survive through my senior year. I only remembered that a few months ago during a conversation with a friend. I told them I knew i wouldn't react well to everything. I knew, I *knew* I'd end up getting so depressed and stressed and scared etc that i'd end up with a major suicide attempt, or success, my senior year. Then i remembered that.... I've already unintentionally given myself a date. If i'm not feeling better, getting help, feeling more hopeful at least (NOT *better*, that's too much in a short time to ask) then I give up... I dont' know. It's just getting really sooner. I'm at an up now. I can deal with this. I'm not happy, but i'm okay. I can take okay. But i just can't seem to remember that breif "okay period" when I fall into a really deep, really long depression... i don't know. Anyway, i think i got all your questions, i'm not sure. thanks for writing and being interested though.

Current Mood: restless
Saturday, September 4th, 2004
11:15 pm
if anyone needs help.....
I am a therapist and I came across this community and i think it is a great idea. I would like to offer up any help I can. I am a LCSW currently working on my PH.D in Forensic Psychology. I have worked in the field for awhile now and could be of help.

If you could use another helping hand here i would be willing to help out anyone with issues.

So if you just need to talk I will offer up my services willingly for free. :)

Current Mood: cheerful
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
12:34 am

hi. I just joined, but I've been hesitant to post. But now I've got something specific i really need to address, and this place is actually perfect to do it. First, though, some history...

My name is Kade. I'm 17 years old and i've been diagnosed with a bunch of different thigns but theyr'e still nto sure what the heck is wrong with me. Major depression, adhd, post-tramatic stress disorder, dependant or somethign like that, they thought i was bipolar... i've lost coutn. I've been on so many different medications over the past two or three years and none have worked. I can't get counseling on a regular basis because A) my family doesn't have money B) I can't really get anywhere C) My parents don't want me in it for various other reasons (makes them look bad, afraid they'll get in trouble if i talk about things they did- i was abused, for instance) etc... The only people i have seen who i was comfortable with were three different people at my school, but since i'm not in a special program i'm not their problem. One of them is cool enough to see me and when school starts in September I look forward to seeing her again. She does this thing called EFT and it actually works. Hopefully she can help me feel better, but i know nothing she does can help if i don't address a few things which i'm too afraid to do with the people such as her whom i actually *know* and deal with in real life. So that's why it's perfect to do it here. And i'm in a temporary "up" part of my little roller coaster so I can do this for now... anyway...

The first thing is taht i have a habbit of stopping my medicine. It doesn't work in that i still feel very depressed when i take it. I know they're not "happy pills" but I still go up and down, i still wanna kill myself, i still cut myself... But i know i need to take the medicine, or else they'll blame that for why i feel bad. And since i can sense some of a change for the worse when i dont' take it, so maybe it works a bit... I dont' know why i stop taking it. But i can't get myself to. It's like a cycle. I'll be okay for a few days/weeks. Then I'll start falling again, and after a while I'll stop taking the medicines. kind of a "this is bullshit" measure. I'll be depressed for weeks/months, falling lower and faster. After a while I'll start to get okay again and when I'm stable, i start taking the medicine. and the cycle just repeats. And as much as i know i need to, i keep stopping the medicine and i can't help it. How do i change that? ~ also, the best i can figure out is maybe this: am i scared of being okay? I've *always* been like this and never knew what happiness or even "okayness" was. It's hellish, but it's "comfortable" in a sense that i know it. But when i get "up" for a while, when I fall it's like jumping off a skyscraper because i know just how bad it is... uhm... I've been falling slowly for about a week now, but for a few weeks before that were the best I've ever been. Not happy but *okay* and that was all i was asking for. But that was hard, it was scary, it took a lot of energy, i had no idea what was going on. I didn't know how to deal with things, cuz i had never been there before. So as I've been falling, i suddenly had that thought: What if i'm too scared to get better? I knew I'd be in all this pain again, but i *know* the pain. I dont' know the okayness, it's scary and tiresome. I dont' know, what do you make of that?

also, there's this one other thing that scares me, i dont' know what to do about it. For some reason, in the back of my head, there's one other option. Otherwise it's suicide. But this other "vision" keeps popping in my head... a hostpital. That scares the hell out of me, i have issues with them. My sister was sent to one, i see them in movies and stuff... i don't know, it just scares me. And my social worker assures me that it's impossible to get into one even if i was willing, and my parents can't pay for me to go, so i know it won't happen, so that comforts me. But i keep getting this feeling, like maybe that's what I *have* to do. I can't express myself too well so all these people who are trying to figure out how to diagnose me and what to do with me can't see me all the time, can't see what i'm like on a regular basis or for an extended amount of time. There, i'd be monitored. They'd be better able to understand me. They'd make sure I'd take my medicine. I'd be able to finally crash to the lowest possible level, in a safe place, and then go up and get better, finally, from there. Someone could actually see me every day or every week or however it works, talk to me and counsel me. Now i get maybe once a month when my teachers report me because I'm talking about wanting to die or I'm cutting myself so the guidance counselors and social workers are forced to see me, and they just tell me to quit it and "hang in there" I love that one. The write off, the "i sound like i care but i really don't" anyay... yeah. so what do you think of that too? Is it possible to get into a hospital like that? For an extended period of time, a week or two wouldn't work. not with me, lol. What is the cost? (I live in Upstate NY, near Utica, if that makes any difference). Do you know of anything that could help me like that?

there was something else but i can't remember...


Current Mood: depressed
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
1:01 am
I just came upon your community. And I went hmmmm.... Interesting concept. So, Hi, my name is Anita, and I am an LDer student working on my MSW at Fordham University. I did my undergrad in Psychology. My last internship was at a DV shelter/clinic and there if a client could not afford to pay, they did not have to! I like that concept! And that is one of the reasons why I created http://www.ldns.org because LDers have enough to deal with let alone trying to find therapeutic help of some sort, then finding the means to pay for it. There is so much to therapy that I just don't know about and most likely will never learn. However, I want to learn as much as I can, and help when I can. Anyway, thanks for being here, and thanks for listening to me ramble. Blessings, Anita

Current Mood: tired
Sunday, August 17th, 2003
5:07 pm
XXXXXXX [4:55 PM]: you must be that person i asked for

This is tremendously heartwarming, and terrifying at the same time. Power corrupts. To be people's guru/angel/sensei is something I've always wanted to be, but as I grow older, the dangers of bad advice, or advice taken out of context, or giving advice without properly knowing the situation become apparent.

I once gave advice to a 'happily' (or so I thought) married man saying... yeah ok your looking at gay porn isn't horrible, as long as you don't 'need' it to achieve orgasm and as long as you don't act on it in the real world... well now he's in jail for lewd battery on a minor...

herein we see how easily you have to wonder was I brash and too quick to judge what I was hearing? Was I cocky and overconfident and lacking in the true love/care to give the RIGHT advice and ask the RIGHT questions to have found the information I needed to say NO this is WRONG. Did the gay porn cause the act? I really doubt it, as many of my friends engage in porn all the time and they aren't in jail for such things.

This issue has been such a huge complex and confusing issue for my belief that my advice could not be dangerous. But you know you give someone the right advice and it doesn't matter how good it is, if they recieve via previously damaged colored lenses of their experience they can percieve in many horrible ways and take the good advice to mean they should do something bad.

e.g. - a psychopath who was beaten nearly to death over many years while being told it's because I love you and it's for your own good... if you tell him you should try to 'love' everyone... well did YOU just create a serial killer? somehow I think a very well trained psychologist would be able to avoid this caveat, which I am not, once again leading me back to my poor qualifications for giving those with deeper issues good advice.

Maybe the diminished contact after our little discussion of his porn habits should have been a big clue that that was merely the surface of the problem.
Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
10:47 pm
Well if any of you therapists in training get really bored, well this right now is the only venu that i can post in without the paranoia and anxiety getting too bad... Ever had a fear so bad that you cry if you think about it? i am deathly afraid of bees. when i see one i cringe and run for cover. Just thinking about it makes me scream in terror. Well thats practicly about the same feeling i get when i think about going to my doctor for a therapist. i think i might be able to do it if maybe i was invisible or if i had a way to go without anyone being able to tell who i am. Eventually ive been able to rationalize the fear to the extent of the internet. I know that by posting here, no one can ever find me. No one can ever point me on the street. When i think about someone finding out, about me, it is my very worst fear... which is why i can't go to a phyciatrist face to face. I know i have "the little man complex" for lack of better terminology. Atleast thats what this 1 person said.

Well i dunno where to start. I used to be depressed alot untill i talked to another therapist a few times over messinger. But after a while she just wasn't able to deal with me anymore. Even though i find her last letter to me to be severly hippocritical i will post it for the sake of information:

I just got sick of you IMing me when you were really messed up
(like drunk or
high) when I asked you not to (clearly, asking you not to was not effective,
which is why I didn't ask again) and asking me what to do then not trusting my
advice. I just couldn't handle the emotional investment I had in you doing
well only to watch you get drunk and high all the time and be like "oh maybe if
I'm just high while I do everything I'll be better". I can't handle that I
feel responsible for every time you fall down. And lastly, I feel like I've
you every resource and piece of advice I know to give you, and it's up to you
whether to follow my advice or not. I can't sit around telling you "no
really, follow my advice". It's not my job to force you to do x or y. That's

The breaking point was basiclly when she kept telling me to see a therapist. The thing about drunk and high is nonsence. She got drunk way more than me and even I don't do mushrooms... but thats enough of that

She did cure about 95 percent of my depression cognativly only and i do thank her for that.

You'll find that i do have alot of troble with relationships with people (not talking about love relationships) So now that my depression is under control i guess i need to catch up on my anxiety and my paranois. And whatever the little man complex is. I have noticed that i have my "quest" to be infinatly importand, famous and revered for whatever i try to convince myself im good at. And it causes me to get into negitive brushes with people. I know that i also have ego problems sometimes simply because its just me trying to make myself feel better when i am depressed and i feel like i have no self esteem. Its amazing how god damn inteligent i am yet it doesn't do a damn for my problems. Iv'e been told i have all intelligence and no wisdom. I'd have to agree.

But i pride meself in how smart i am and how easilly i can manipulate certain things. But i know that that can easily turn sour. I know that my ego and such will be the end of me and will make me backtrack when my obsession with ego will turn into anger and depression again. I'm smart enough to know that...

So what else can i say about myself? Well i guess not only do i have the panic attacks about seeing a doctor its about the medication too. I'm afraid if i take it i might just be on it forever but now that i think about im being a hypocrit of myself. After all im taking stacker 2 right now to try and cheat with my weight so i might as well succumb to the happy pill. I guess im just afraid it will turn me into a drone or somthing im not so again im fighting my own self about weather or not to go on meds. i know they help but like i said i am kinda afraid of them. But im WAY more afraid of a shrink. I guess i'm so smart i am too smart for myself.

Well if anyone is still reading and not asleep at the computer i check my posts often like almost every day atleast once a week. So if anyone has any comments they are welcome. And i will try very hard not to let my complex leave a bad tase in your mouth. Somehow i hope i will do better with internet therapy this time around.

Blessings for anyone who decides to try and cure me i wish you the best of luck.

Monday, July 14th, 2003
4:19 am
No more meds!
I just wanted to say that it's official!!! I have weend my self off of both my meds (with the help of my psychiatrist).

It feels great and terrible at the same time. I feel great all day long, it's the nighttime that's the terrible part. I have been off my meds for about 3 days now and last night was the first time I actually had a good night's sleep, however I did not expect to be awake at 4am. I think the lack of my anti-anxiety medication is keeping me from having good sleep. I was on both an anti-anxiety (Klonopin) and an anti-depression (Celexa) but the Celexa also had anti-anxiety properties in it so when I went off the Celexa insomnia has been the result.

Hopefully my body will get used to this quickly and balance out and allow me to sleep like a normal person, but in the mean time I may be making some random 4am posts on Livejournal (communities or my own journal).
Sunday, June 29th, 2003
7:37 pm
Why isn't anyone posting anything up on this community????
Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
6:44 pm
Hi everyone. I just joined this community moments ago. I joined it not because I'm looking for free therapy, even though that'd be nice but to get more insight on issues that I'm working on with my therapst. Just so that you all know: I see an individual therapist and I go to group therapy too. I started going to group a year ago after I was suicidal and in the hospital for a week and a day treatment center for 3 weeks. I was so depressed that I wanted to down a whole bottle of anti-anxiety pills.

So, as you can tell I have depression and anxiety problems. I was put onto medication for both my anxiety and depression. I am currently weaning myself off of my anti-depressant meds (with my doctor's help) and once I'm off the anti-depressant meds I will hopefully be able to get off of my anti-anxiety meds.

Umm... well I guess I told you guys enough to swallow at the first impression of me.
Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
1:47 pm
Let's see what I can learn here....
Ok so I'm a first year psychology major so I know alot of terms for my issues. I have a very strong anima that really distrupts my gender identity. I used to have very strong imaginary audience issues. Those seem to have vanished. I have alot of anxiety consistantly and I always feel jittery or like I need to be shaking or my legs bouncing. INFJ is me, with a VERY strong F making co-dependency an easy trap to fall in.

Is there also an obssession of some type that has to do with cuticles on your fingers?

I'm a heavy underachiever which I attribute to getting whatI wanted as I grew up all the time regardless of grades, and being told learning is the important thing not grades.

I've been able to hold down a 47-52 hr a week job for 6 months for very little pay to try to combat my feelings of laziness. I left because the rediculous amount of work I was doing I was still recieving tons more money from home for doing nearly nothing. I'm guessing with my high intellect I just really need a job that keeps me stimulated, which with my qualifications I'm sure is nearly impossible to find.

That should be amillion and one issues to get you started =)

Current Mood: anxious
Saturday, June 7th, 2003
11:58 pm
Hmmm, I guess I will be the first to post...I sure hope that I don't jinx this community, knowing that when ever i post to anything, no one repsonds...so...

Anyway, Im a psych major...Ive been in therapy...I think this community sounds like a good idea. I have a lot of problems and a lot of advice :). I hope more people take advantage of this.

Current Mood: lonely
About LiveJournal.com